The Believer

Hello. How are you? I'm fine.

Went to Cleveland. That was good, except the parts that weren't. Saw 500 Days of Summer. It reinforced closure on things already long lost.

Last day of custodial was today. Felt VERY strange.

You know what would be cool? If I went to Austria. Oh wait...

I just want to throw parties and DJ for the rest of my life.

New York City from Friday to Sunday. Things I did:

-Phoenix Concert. A three story venue. Anna and I ended up on the 3rd floor right about the band. They made me soooooo happy. The lead singer spoke no English other than the word in his songs. He jumped in crowd during 1901. I feared for his life. He's just a fragile little Frenchman, after all.

-Statue of Liberty. That ol' gal still inspires an enormous swell of patriotism. Got several pictures that I expect to be online...someday. Just think, it's the same statue that my ancestors saw. The same icon of freedom and oppurtunity.

-Ellis Island. So many different types of people all merging here in the U.S. of A. What a melting pot.

-Metropolitan Museum of Art. Tons of cool stuff. I just sat and looked at this GIANT tapestry of Buddha for a long time and it was amazing. The Francis Bacon exhibit was interesting. Very dark, very painful. Medieval suits of armor and Roman statues.

Ah hell. I'm lazy. I'll finish this tomorrow.

An update. Every time I try and do one of these, I end up quitting halfway through. Not this time. I'm gonn---







Just kidding.

Ummm, classes are over. It was my best semester (grade-wise). I didn't graduate. That kinda sucked. I will miss the people I'll never see again (you know who you are). I've returned to working custodial with a fun crew. I'm trying to make money for Austria in August. What a journey that shall be. Steve and I are attempting to DJ around here, but progress is slow. Rooting for the Cavaliers and the Penguins. My brother graduates from high school in a week. Scary. I will be 22 soon. Also scary. I've discovered BitComet and enjoy it, although everyone has been torrenting for quite sometime now. I'm sorry, I'm a late bloomer.

I'm digging this song right now. B)

But sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

You annoy me, little journal. It seems like every syllable I put in here is meaningless. Every story told before by someone else, every emotion already captured and crystallized in words far more precise and poetic than I could ever dream of creating. It seems like an exercise in futility. But in this exercise, I realize that my experience is unique, because, after all, it's me...and nobody else.

So now that I'm motivated, let me tell you something.

2009. Who knows what wonders lay before me?

I think my partner in crime Steven McGlone and I are going to attempt to resume our "party god" status, by whatever means we come across.

School work remains a thorn in my side, but that's not saying I don't excel at it.

This will more than likely be the last year of my life being at this level of closeness with my friends.

I'm reading Sandman again. It makes me remember...

Doors have closed forever, some are just opening. The sands of time continue to shift.

"Who cares for you? You're just a pack of cards."

Oh little journal. How I have ignored you. I'm sorry.

Looking back, I was so wrapped up in my own self-loathing that I never even said what I thought about The Dark Knight. Hmph. Well, it's a bit late for that, so I'll just let the records it holds in ticket sales speak for itself.


What else? Hmmmm. I have too much to do. Informational breakdown part of the entry:

Cell Phsyiology - Pain in my side. I'm no damn good at it. I'll be lucky to make it out of there with a C.

Special Problems in Biology - I have no time for it, and that makes me feel kinda bad.

Mythology - Hah. One thing I WILL pass this semester.

Criminology - Yet again, I expect to do well.

Painting - Ah. A challenge. But this "work outside of class" is really cutting into my "not doing work" time.

Job 1: Custodial - I don't mind it. i have a great boss and it isn't stressful. I take pride in my work, even if it gets destroyed soon after.

Job 2: Student Assistant for Commuter Outreach - Basically upping the ante for all the work I do with the CSA. More phone calls, emails, Facebook stalking. Sh*t like that.

CSA - I'm president of an organization that most eligible members don't want to be in. *sigh* We're trying though. My goals are long term.

Biology Club - I act more like a leader than anyone else does. Those cats aren't social at all. They need to let their hair down every once in a while. We're going to the Aviary the day after Rocktoberfest.

Rocktoberfest - Steve McGlone and I have been having a stellar event every single month this semester. We are party gods.

Digital Love - At said parties, Steve and I DJ. Same would argue that we're not half bad.

Robot House - The wheels of time keep on turning, and I fear I won't be with my Robotic brethren for long. Still, let's make the best use of the time we do have and enjoy MAN MOVIE MONDAY and our PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE INTO THE WILDERNESS.


Welp, that's my life, minus a few things I won't mention. Unless I edit this later. Ya never know...

It's strange. I can hardly believe it myself.

It's kinda like a switch flipped on (or off, depending on how you look at it). All the darkness dissolved away and I'm left with genuine hope of a better tomorrow.

I want to do things now. I'm trying to get my house back in it's once-pristine order. I'm trying to improve myself (i.e. not look like so much of a slob all the time). I want to go and buy and create and do.

I have a reason to get up in the morning. I want to be a better, more loving person.

I've met hope, and she sure is one cool girl...

s1ng 4 m3: .....Explain how you ended up at FUs. inquiring minds think it might be a good story.

Maples43964: Wow. My earliest memory was going to the college fair at FUS. I wrote my name down just as a safety school. Mostly my mom wanted me too. No, I was going to go to Ohio University, study Biology, and be in the Marching 110, their marching band. I was going to follow in the footsteps of my best friend Steve Cattrell, who had graduated 2 years before me and had done the same thing, minus the biology and plus game design.

Maples43964: A few weeks after that I recieved a letter in the mail. It was from somebody at the university, probably in admissions. Inside was a news clipping of myself, congratulating me on being valedictorian. In hindsight, that might have been one of the single nicest things anyone has ever done. Even though I wasn't going there, they still thought of me. When I actually went to Orientation at OU to schedule my classes (like a month before school started), I had a revelation. I didn't like it there. Not at all. So, I scrambled to put things together.

Maples43964: Cancelling everything from one University and setting it up at another is now small task. Susie Weiss helped me a lot in that area. I remember driving to the steak dinner for commuters and seeing two friends driving to the exact same thing. When I pulled up in the lot behind the white tent they asked "Hey Pat, why are you here?", I cooly replied, "I'm going to Franciscan".

Maples43964: I don't fit in at all, but I suppose it's been a home...

s1ng 4 m3: i was right...it IS a great story. And has it turned out at all like you expected?

Maples43964: Nope. But that's the beauty of it, isn't it?

I can't do this.

It feels like there's a knife in my heart.

F*ck.

A question remains. What now?

I've failed some one I cared for, and now there is no forgiveness in sight.

I've been forced to accept this.

So let's move on, right?

It's the only option I have. But everything feels so strange. The concept of putting every memory you had with a person, folding it up, and putting it away on a shelf, never to be seen again.

The whole idea. Odd. But what choice do I have?

So I ignore all the memories that come with song or locations. This is coping.

You want to start over, but at the same time you don't. Weird.

I write this as I am very ill, so if it seems pessimistic, there's an excuse.

I read the very last volume of Y: The Last Man today. It left me in very much the same mood I was in when I finished Volume 10 of The Sandman. It ended not with a bang, but with a whimper.

There's all these things in life I supposedly have to look forward to, all this future ahead of me. The fact is that sorrow and despair currently have a strong hold on me, so all that is tomorrow brings little hope. I need instant gratification, or at least a light at the end of the tunnel, but there is neither. Things have changed, and I can't accept it.

I really wish I could just fix everything.

And maybe that's my problem.

Hello there. Many things have happened (and not happened) since I last posted, so try and keep up.

My good friend Rachelle has come and gone from her home in Sulphur, LA. Or maybe it's Georgia. It's down South. Anyways, she gifted me with cds and th movie Amelie. I let her read Pop Gun War by Farel Dalrymple. I'm sure we'll have a correspondence through the postal service, because she technically owes me a cd (she broke one she was going to give me).

I'm 21. Cool?

Got in the weight room for the firs time in what seems like ages. I'm feeling it.

Going to see Gogol Bordello on Tuesday with Core. Should be an awesome show. Coldplay tickets came yesterday. Hooray!

Did I mention I'm excited for the new Batman movie?

Bought an s-ton of shirts the other day. I might have a polo for every day of the week now. Contemplating buying an XBOX 360 and Oblivion. I probably will.

I'm going to make a move of desparation on my part. I wonder how it will received...

I just don't even see the point in getting involved in other people's lives anymore. Maybe everyone should just leave me alone.

Let's take a break from my self-loathing to have a literary update.

Dan Acheson let me borrow Preacher from him. I knew Dan had good taste, I just didn't know how good. It was magnificent. Up there with Sandman in my books, and that's saying a lot. I'll prolly buy it when I get the money/time.

Superman: Red Son - Commie Superman. Fun, enjoyable, nice to see DC characters reimagined.

Superman for All Seasons - Just basically trying to expand my Supes library at this point. A nice little read more about Clark Kent becoming Superman than big fights and bad guys.

I don't really know what will be next on my list. Suggestions?

In fact, it's worse.

Not like I'm helping matters any.

I could tell you what's going on in my life right now, but it seems inconsequential.

F*ck.

I'd like to dive straight into the recent events of my life BUT THE SCENT OF FRENCH FRIES AND OTHER POTATE IS PERMEATING THE AIR. Franciscan smells good for a change.

Anyways, here goes. After feeling like I was going to die for about a month straight (see last entry!), I decided I needed a change of scenery. Enter Justin Motto and Deanne Conrad. They proposed New York City. I accepted.

Friday afternoon I was picked up in front of my home on a journey of nerd-like proportions. I immediately noticed we were going to be navigating by means of GARMIN GPS SYSTEM, which instantly made me think of this.



The piece of sh*t spent half it's time acquiring satellite connections, the other half leading us into roads that were inaccessible to us. Still, it gave us enough directions to lead us through all of manure-scented Pennsylvania and past such landmarks as "Mechanicsburgh" and WORLD OF PIGEONS. We stopped off at a mini-road stop/shopping complex/arcade/gift store/restaurant-type deals and ate the food Deanne had so graciously prepared. Turkey sandwiches with pretzels, chips, grapes, and Capri Suns. Delicioso.

Getting back on the road, we drove on into the night and arrived in New Jersey. Garmin f*cked up yet again and we have to go out of our way to turn around, arriving at our final destination, the luxurious Starlite Motel. This place was a story in itself.

Firstly, I had to duck in the backseat while Motto & Deanne registered because the room was reserved for two, not three (for an extra person it would have cost another $40). After they talked to the manager and got the key, I bolted to the room while the supervisors were not looking in our direction. I quickly hid in the bathroom while Motto & Deanne got the rest of the stuff we would need for the night out of the car and into the room. We soon realized that we were in for quite a night. The room itself bore resemblance out of something you might find in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There was an unswept carpet with hints of garbage between it's fibers. There was a second-hand phone (originally from the Sheraton in Boston) plugged into a cord ripped out of it's own casing plugged into the wall. There were the unidentifiable reddish-brown stains on the ceiling. The bathroom with soap & hair still in the drain. This place was no less than a nightmare. As Deanne filled up her inflatable mattress with air, Motto and I could only wonder at the horrors living in our stained sheets. What micro-organisms would crawl on and around us that evening. We watched a bit off the Bill Maher show on HBO and turned in for the night. It was difficult to fall asleep at first, what with the crack of our room door letting in the harsh night air, tinged with sounds of cars, motorcycles, and dialects of American-Ebonics-English. After I grew tolerant of all of these, I slept like a baby. A severely malnourished crack baby.

The next morning I showered, got dressed, and snuck out as per my usual criminal style and hid underneath a blanket until we were far, far away from the motel authority figures who would persue us. We hunted for a parking garage and after a while became thoroughly lost. We stopped by the next person we could talk to for directions, and instead we found a patron saint of travel.

He started to give us directions (right, left, 8 blocks, left, etc.) when he saw that Deanne had obviously lost him a long time ago. He decided to take the next best course of action. He offered to guide us there personally if we would give him a ride. He hopped in, I led us to a parking garage, and we power walked to the PATH(Port Authority Trans-Hudson) station. We obtained an EZ-Pass and deposited money on the card so that we could go through the turnstyle. We boarded the train and took a seat. Our travel hero asked what street we were heading towards, and said that he was, in fact, heading there himself. We rode the train to various stations, soaking up all the different language and styles of it's passengers. We finally came to the 33rd street station and disembarked for our destination. We thanked out angel of directions repeatedly and wished him all the best. We said farewell to him without ever even learning his name...

After a quick bite to eat at McDonald's, we emerged from the underground. Blinding light pour into our eyes and the city was in full veiw. Building and people and taxis and cars and noise and lights and billboards and pigeons. It was wonderful. A regular beehive of activity. I felt overwhelmed and enthralled at the same time. Places like Madison Square Garden, Macy's, and the Empire State building sprung up into full veiw and I was in awe. We kept walking.

The moment I saw a stormtrooper, I knew we were headed in the right direction. We entered the large convention center and got our registration passes. After that, it was a bevvy of fun and adventure that cannot be described in words. Please, check out the pictures in the following links.

Part 1 http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2027769&l=37156&id=144900956
Part 2 http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2027770&l=bf7b5&id=144900956

Comics, video games, trading cards, figures, collectibles, celebrities. Cosplayers abounded. The hours passes and my legs became sore, so we sat in on a few panels in the IGN Theater. The first one was with the Russian director of the upcoming movie "Wanted", which looked...alright. The next was the Hellboy 2 panel with Mike Mignola, Guerillmo del Toro, Ron Perlman, Doug Jones, and Selma Blair. Really cool stuff. Guerillmo said "f*ck" close to 15 times and cheered on the puberty of a young boy in the audience. Laughs were had by all.

Sure enough, the time had come to say goodbye to the city. We took a few final snapshots and then got back on the train. We drove on into the night, and got thoroughly lost in Pittsburgh, which had closed a major road screwing up our Garmin system yet again. Frustrated, I fell asleep in the back and when I awoke we were back in Jefferson county. After saying adieu to Motto, I gathered my thoughts and headed back out for another adventure that night...

I pulled up to Steve McGlone's home and it was pretty much a warzone. Saltines littered the ground in an alcohol-fueled party gone awry. Still, I managed to have a few good laughs with Katrina and Steve. It was a good night, if I say so myself. =)

This constant sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that stays with you day and night. You can't sleep because of it. Everytime you think of the reason that it's there it just gets worse. There's nothing you can do about it. And it's all your fault.

It's called regret. And it's called sorrow. And it's eating away at me.

But I will anyways.

I've been having this dream lately. I can't fully recall what it's about, but I can remember a few details. What they mean I have no idea.

I'm in some ghastly swamp out of a horror movie. The scenery is black and grim. I'm forced to navigate across a stream of ectoplasmic green, it looks like a glowstick filled with the undead. I jump onto the platform in front of me and I m instantly confronted with the angel of death.

I use a knife (it might be a sword) to pierce it's blackness, but it knocks me down. I believe the weapon or weapon I was using was made out of wood. I don't know why. I think it is meant to reflect something about my "wooden heart".

Yeah. Whatever that means.

This past week was Spring Break. It was horrible.

We really always do hurt the ones we love.

I suck.

At 3:00 AM one morning I made a photo album of a bunch of pictures I had lying around. I even gave some of those photos back, along with some other things.

App-Off '08 was a highlight of the week. Eating around 10 different types of apples with Shane Lewis and Pat Doughtery. I believe Golden Delicious won.

It was also nice seeing Jake Blanton. We played Mass Effect several times, giving me the urge to up and buy a 360 solely for that game.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl comes out tomorrow. After all this build-up & delay, I'm a bit burnt out on the whole notion.

I've been listening to the band Phoenix a lot lately. I believe they're right for me at this point in time, whatever that means.

It's cold and snow and rain and ice.

Let's get to the heart of this journal entry immeadiately: Combos rule.

Yeah, those tiny little pretzel things filled with liquid cheese. Motherf*cking awesome is what they are. I had some today before my music class and boy did they hit the spot.



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